series finale: “where have you been?”
As you can see my posts have disappeared. No, I didn’t get hacked. I deleted them. I have decided to “retire” from blogging. But it will be in a limited partnership/of counsel kind of way. Keep reading and I will explain. But, first things first. Where I’ve been and why I suddenly stopped. As you know I tried to maintain a level of anonymity with my online presence. Twitter included. But my sister took it upon herself to out me to our relatives and my boyfriend. Which leads me to a background story about the BF because it all ties in.
In my adventures, I met this wonderful guy who we will call J. He is a consultant with an tech/software engineering background. My sister thought it would be funny to joke that if I wasn’t nice to him “maybe he could use his nerd powers to hack into the online world where I live my double life.” Needless to say that he asked to see the blog and he wasn’t impressed. My soft-spoken engineer, lily white mid-western sweetie is not the confrontational type and was appalled by how “antagonistic” (blah blah blah) the page was. In his own words: “Are you trying to get yourself stalked and killed?” *eye roll* And they say we’re the dramatic ones. Anyway, after that incident, I just lost interest in writing and blogging. It didn’t have the same appeal and they actually managed to make me feel guilty. But everything was about to change in ways that I was not anticipating and in ways that would have interfered with writing regardless.
J got tapped for a 18-month (minimum) engagement in the tri-state area. The plan was for him to fly to NYC every Monday morning and come back every Thursday night or Friday mid-day depending on how busy the client was. Either that or he was going to set up shop and rent a place in the NY/NJ/CT area (on the company dime) for the duration of his contract. I tried to be brave but I was horrified. How could this happen? We just started dating and he was going to be taken away from me. I really felt like nothing could go right. To make things worst, he didn’t seem very upset. J didn’t care that he’d be gone? Oh the horror! He asked to meet up to discus something “really important”. And then he asked me about my grad school plans. “Still in the works” I told him and he mentioned how cool it would be to go to school in the tri-state area with that puppy dog look on his face. Um, say what now? J wanted me to apply to schools full time in NYC. “You take care of school. I got everything else.” I talked to my mom and the Christian in her said ABSOLUTELY NOT. I told her an MBA was a good look for my resume. “No amount of education or letters behind your name will undo the irreparable damage to your soul that living in sin with this man will cause.” *Jesus take the wheel* Oh and why can’t I live in a dorm? Like a freshman? No thanks mommy.
But we all know I don’t listen. To anyone. Ever. So I holed myself up, studied for the GMAT, broke 600 and applied for school. When my acceptance letters came, I gave my 2 weeks at work, booked an appointment with the movers contracting for J’s company and started praying that the Lord’s wrath wouldn’t strike me dead for defying my mother. My mom stopped talking to me. My dad would grunt occasionally and my sister was sad. I felt terribly guilty the tension I caused and knowing how big of a risk it was to move and quit my job in this economy for a man who wasn’t married to me didn’t help. I was scared but if I survived playing Russian roulette with my life like this it would only go up from there. It was a serious gamble but I made myself feel better by saying: “I wasn’t giving up my life for a man. I was giving up a little bit so my man can help me move forward.” Justifying it in my head made me feel better.
And here we are. I don’t know how we did it. But we did. I managed to not screw this up and we are still together. His engagement lasted a little less time than planned (15 months instead of 18) but he asked to work out of the New York office until I finish school so he could keep the place. I got an email on Friday with all the readings I have to do for the fall semester. If I can stay motivated until May, I might be able to keep my 3.5 GPA when I graduate.
That was not the smartest move I made but it worked out well because I trusted a quality man who wanted to have a hand in helping me move forward. Do I feel guilty about “living off him”? Absolutely! I would have to have no dignity to not care. But he reminded me that he offered, I didn’t ask. He did what he had to do to keep me with him so I have nothing to feel bad about. So here it is folks. The reason I’ve been gone. I became a full-time student again, moved out of state and I’m living with a boyfriend who doesn’t support my side hustle.
Tune in for future plans on how I plan to maintain an online presence.